The Edge

It's been awhile folks. A lot has happened since "we last met". I've climbed solo, gone down single track on my bike at breakneck speed over rocks and roots, and had a good buddy out to visit. Along with many other things.
Mostly, I've been waiting out bad weather and working. Weather lately has been snowing,raining and cold. It dries up just about to the point of the trails getting ready to ride again, then mama nature decides that she should keep me inside with more nasty weather and get me fat. I've had a couple instances of waking up to half a foot of snow on my trailer roof. Which reminds me, I have two leaks still in my roof. Ace Harware is going to get more of my money it looks like. Along the lines of modifications to the trailer, I have successfully installed my solar system that I got off of a co-worker. I snagged it for a good price and it is more than I need when the sun is out everyday. The sun hasn't peaked out of the clouds and rain in the last 3 days though and I'm being quite frugal with it since I watched a movie (my first one in two months!) the first night of bad weather and that drains the battery pretty good. I've thought about going to two 6 volt batteries hooked in series but that's 150 bucks and I think that I can make it just fine without.
I have a new pet! No, not a dog, cat or other normal furry friend. It's a female deer that I have named Lucy. She eats all the green grass around my trailer every night. I have come within 5 feet of her when I'm the trailer and 10 feet outside. She is cautious but not scared. She doesn't mind me talking but definately doesn't like me whistling. I must not be singing the right tune to her.
My good friend Ross McHugh came out to visit me two weeks ago. We ended up buying him a bike since most of the hiking trails around here are going to be snowed in until mid July. He fell in love with it. Our first day we did some pretty easy stuff and ended up going 19 miles all around Boca Reservoir. The next day we met up with my crazy Australian friend, Andrew, and followed him on some steep downhill single track that blew my mind! We were flying over rocks, roots and some jumps. I found a new sport that's going to cost me both in money and I'm sure in body parts sooner or later. Navigating down this narrow trail as fast as you can is an amazing challenge.

Ross and I on the top of Boca Hill

We also met up with Ross' cousin and went to a "Rubix Cube" party with him at a bar up in Squaw Valley. The object was to trade clothes with other random folks to be completely one of the colors on the rubix cube. This lead to many drinks and a horrible next day. Ross and I blame the altitude for making us feel like shit the next day.
Other than that, we just kind of hung out and had a good time. The weather was nice in general and led to good bonfires and mallow roasting.

Boca Sunrise from "work"

Back to biking! The south facing trails like Loyd's should be open by mid-week. I got a lot of making up to do for the last week or so of doing nothing except biking about 14 miles round trip to work 3 days a week. I'm excited to get on The Animal. Its a heinous downhill trek that has something like 40 wooden steps you go down, high berms you hit at top speed and jumps! Sounds like a bone breaking good time to me! The Flume should also be opening up soon. That's on the east side of Lake Tahoe and has some amazing views of the lake due to you riding on the edge of a huge cliff!
I also can't wait for the weather to break this week so I can get back on the rock again. I haven't been on real rock in 3 weeks. I've had to settle for paying 5 bucks to go to the local bouldering gym. Its just not the same though. I went a month ago with a cool couple down by Reno on some granite. I ended the day on a totally sandbagged (meaning it was harder then the book said) .10a. I was kinda pumped from climbing all day and this thing was run-out due to me thinking it was going to be easy and not bringing any extra protection. Pretty scary when your 20 feet from your last bolt at a 45 degree angle to the right. A fall would mean a massive pendulum into the wall without being able to catch myself well. Scrapes would have been the best outcome. I'd like not the think about the worst. I was pumped out on this ok hold and had to do a blind reach up to an unknown hold. I went at it half-hearted several times and couldn't reach it. Finally, I harnessed all my strength and will and went for it. It seemed like forever from when I coiled up til when I was fully extended and holding a huge hold. It was an amazing experience. I don't want to do that all that often, but it makes you a better climber and person. You push your mental limits when there are severe consequences.
Sometimes these scenarios are forced upon you. Like the time I was backpacking in Utah and we came across a snow slide that has swallowed the trail. We had just went over two passes, one of them being 12,500 feet and I wasn't about to go back, but the snow was at too severe of an angle to cross. I spotted a place that was free of snow, but it involved a 8 foot downclimb and a shuffle across a foot wide "path" for about 15 feet that met back up with the trail proper. It wouldn't have been that bad except for the fact that it was well over 1000 feet down a severely angled talus slope. The kind that you toss a rock down and it gains speed and other rock companions until a deafening cacophony takes over the canyon. My female partner understandable had a mental breakdown when I said we should go. It lasted only 30 seconds and we were on our way. This was my first experience with complete and udder focus. You let everything else fade away and its just you and the task at hand. Its the consequence of failure that makes you focus.
Hopefully the rain of the last couple days has knocked down the snow on Donner Summit and my V5 will be accessible. The last time I was up there, I did my first solo (climbing without gear and protection). I've heard about it for so long now and finally felt strong and confident enough in my skills to try one. It was only a 40 foot V1 and all the holds looked bomber. A fall didn't mean death, but meant some serious ramifications. Everything around me faded and it was just me and the rock. I've never felt quite like that before. I intentionally put myself in this spot. I finished it with no problem. I topped out and enjoyed the view of the snowy mountains and of Donner Lake. I can't say I completely liked it, but its good to be on the edge every once in awhile.
"The Edge". It's a not a place nor a thing. It's not fear nor craziness. Its a combination of all of these things and probably more. It's being in a spot where you are on the brink of losing control of a situation. You have to focus all your knowledge and energy into one specific task to not have a disaster. Sometimes this disaster is a nasty fall while blazing down a technical single track on your bike. Sometimes it is eminent death. Its a balance of knowing yourself and knowing the task at hand. A miscalculation in either can lead to bad things. Not only for you but for other people, specifically loved ones. I'm talking of course about being on the death defying edge. I haven't flirted with that edge on purpose much, and don't particularly like to, but sometimes the alternatives are unthinkable like on that snow covered trail in Utah.
Sometimes the edge comes to you when you think your pretty far away from it. The run-out down by Reno is a good example of this. You think your in control and then the situation changes. The first time I can think of this was on a backpacking trip in Wyoming. We were roughly 20 miles from the trailhead and I woke up feeling like death. I couldn't eat or drink. Walking right away in the morning was not an option considering I could hardly stand. I thought the edge on this trip would be a busted ankle or something of the like, not being deathly ill. The only illnesses I knew of were waterborne and they took weeks to come to. It turned out the edge creeped and crawled its way into my tent, then sleeping bag, then stomach. You can bet I was running scenarios of how to get the hell out of there. No cell phone, no beacon, just a girlfriend that had limited orienteering skills. Everything turned out to be ok by the next morning but it was a scary situation.
It's these times of being on the edge that stick with you forever. Sure, I remember the amazing landscapes and the bonds made with partners on these trips and they give me a calming feeling. It's the moments on the edge, when brought back to my current thoughts from memory, are the ones that still send a chill up my spine. You can see exactly where you were and how things went down through a 3rd person perspective hovering above you.
It's these times on the edge that make you who you are. Will you show courage and make quick and accurate decisions? Or, will you breakdown, then flail or freeze? Until you are there, especially on the "death edge", I don't think you can truly know who you are. Do you know who you are?